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   Friday, Jul. 3, 2009 St. Croix, US Virgin Islands    

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NEW STUFF
   Local:Butt Naked Tourism.
   Local Government: Turnbull-James Administration A Family Affair
  Senate Summer Camp Teaches Local Youths "The Right Stuff".
  Mixed Bag: Ford Introduces The Biggest Damn SUV In The Whole Damn World
  
BUTT NAKED TOURISM
   CHRISTIANSTED, USVI - A new marketing firm wants to make St. Croix the place for people to visit when they want to let it all hang out - literally. They say the best way to revive the island's sagging tourism trade is by promoting it as the world's biggest nudist colony.
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PROSTITUTES WANT TO BE SENATORS
   ST. CROIX, USVI - Although the next Senatorial election is more than eighteen months away, a group of "working girls" have already thrown their hats into the ring. The "ladies of the night" say the recent actions of some Senators inspired them seek a career in politics.
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RAINSTORMS KICK WAPA'S ASS
   ST. CROIX - WAPA officials released the results of their investigation into the cause of last week's widespread power outages. Heavy rains caused three out of six generators at the
  Richmond plant to fail, leaving most of St. Croix in total darkness for several hours. The problem largely stems from the fact that WAPA's equipment is powered by mules that are hitched up to a turnstile.
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ST. CROIX WILLING TO SIN BAD FOR SINBAD
   ST. CROIX, USVI - The Big Island's ailing economy has left residents so desperate, they're willing to do anything to get superstar entertainer Sinbad to hold his annual music concert on St. Croix next year.
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SENATORS GAVE AWAY THE FARM
   ST. THOMAS, USVI - "Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-ay-ee-ay-oh. VI senators
  gave it away, ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!"
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PROSSER'S PREMATURE PULLOUT LEAVES SOME SENATORS UNSATISFIED
   ST. CROIX - Some members of the Legislature are saying businessman Jeffrey Prosser pulled his land for taxes deal out too soon, and it has left them feeling frustrated. The senators claim Prosser got them all excited by dangling his offer in front of them, but in the end, they were left unsatisfied.
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TIMES SQUARE FULL OF FAT CHICKS AND BIG ASSES
   - A truck transporting farm animals overturned in Christiansted last Friday night leaving the area filled with hundreds of chubby little newborn chickens and large jackasses. Police officers reported seeing the fat chicks scurrying in all directions with the big asses following right behind them.
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PAY DIRT!! PROSSER DEAL GIVES GOVT. WORKERS LAND INSTEAD OF MONEY
   ST. CROIX, USVI - Government workers waiting for their retroactive pay have finally hit pay dirt - literally. Mega-gajillionaire Jeffrey Prosser wants to give the VI government 1000 acres of Carambola for past-due wages. But with more than 7,000 employees owed money, somebody's going to be left holding the bag - of soil!
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SEN. JONES BREAKS GROUND AND WINDSen. Jones cuts the cheese for members of the press
   Only days after he symbolically broke ground for a proposed rocket manufacturing facility, Senator David Jones is in the media spotlight again. This time Jones symbolically broke wind to announce the upcoming hurricane season.
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LOCAL BANKS OFFER PRIVILEGES TO SENIOR CITIZENS
   ST. CROIX. - Good news for senior citizens: Elderly bank customers no longer have to stand in the traditional long, slow moving teller lines. Now, they can stand in short, slow moving bank lines instead. Recently, several local banking institutions have begun offering special privileges to seniors to show consideration for those in their golden years.
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PHYSICIANS: PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN COLD PLACES ARE STUPID
   A startling new report by the Four Out of Five Doctors Association has determined that people who live in areas that get cold are basically stupid.
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ALL CIRCUITS BUSY: VITELCO HAS SOLUTION - DON'T CALL
   ST. THOMAS, USVI - Have you become frustrated while trying to make a call and you keep getting the "all circuits are busy" message? Are you a business owner who's been losing out on big sales because you can't get through to the credit card authorization center? Are you still trying to call loved ones in the states to wish them a Merry Christmas? Fear not, the Virgin Islands Telephone Corporation has the solution for your problems: DON'T CALL!
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ST. CROIX WOMAN CLAIMS AFFAIR WITH PRES. CLINTON
   ST. CROIX, USVI - The list of women alleging an affair with Bill Clinton's got a little longer this week as a local woman stepped forward claiming to have had a torrid relationship with the President.
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VIPD ESTABLISHES CRACKHEAD CROSSINGS
   ST. CROIX, USVI - How many times has this happened to you: You're driving along in your car when suddenly a crack head walks out in front of you forcing you to slam on the brakes? Well, you're not alone. In fact, the problem has gotten so bad that the VIPD and the Dept. of Public Works have had to join together to come up with a solution - Crack Head Crossing Zones.
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PROSSER TO BUY BUCK ISLAND
   Plans To Change Name To BIG BUCK$ I$LAND
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TURNBULL DEMANDS A RECOUNT
   Gov. Hopes He Lost Election. Says Schneider Can Have His Old Job Back
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ST. CROIX'S LIMP ECONOMY NEEDS VIAGRA-NOMICS
   Officials say they just can't seem to get it up
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