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NEW STUFF
Local:Butt Naked Tourism.
Local Government: Turnbull-James Administration A Family Affair
Senate Summer Camp Teaches Local Youths "The Right Stuff".
Mixed Bag: Ford Introduces The Biggest Damn SUV In The Whole Damn World
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BUTT NAKED TOURISM
CHRISTIANSTED, USVI - A new marketing firm wants to make St. Croix the place for people to visit when they want to let it all hang out - literally. They say the best way to revive the island's sagging tourism trade is by promoting it as the world's biggest nudist colony.
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PROSTITUTES WANT TO BE SENATORS
ST. CROIX, USVI - Although the next Senatorial election is more than eighteen months away, a group of "working girls" have already thrown their hats into the ring. The "ladies of the night" say the recent actions of some Senators inspired them seek a career in politics.
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RAINSTORMS KICK WAPA'S ASS
ST. CROIX - WAPA officials released the results of their investigation into the cause of last week's widespread power outages. Heavy rains caused three out of six generators at the
Richmond plant to fail, leaving most of St. Croix in total darkness for several hours. The problem largely stems from the fact that WAPA's equipment is powered by mules that are hitched up to a turnstile.
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TIMES SQUARE FULL OF FAT CHICKS AND BIG ASSES
- A truck transporting farm animals overturned in Christiansted last Friday night leaving the area filled with hundreds of chubby little newborn chickens and large jackasses. Police officers reported seeing the fat chicks scurrying in all directions with the big asses following right behind them.
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SEN. JONES BREAKS GROUND AND WIND
Only days after he symbolically broke ground for a proposed rocket manufacturing facility, Senator David Jones is in the media spotlight again. This time Jones symbolically broke wind to announce the upcoming hurricane season.
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LOCAL BANKS OFFER PRIVILEGES TO SENIOR CITIZENS
ST. CROIX. - Good news for senior citizens: Elderly bank customers no longer have to stand in the traditional long, slow moving teller lines. Now, they can stand in short, slow moving bank lines instead. Recently, several local banking institutions have begun offering special privileges to seniors to show consideration for those in their golden years.
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ALL CIRCUITS BUSY: VITELCO HAS SOLUTION - DON'T CALL
ST. THOMAS, USVI - Have you become frustrated while trying to make a call and you keep getting the "all circuits are busy" message? Are you a business owner who's been losing out on big sales because you can't get through to the credit card authorization center? Are you still trying to call loved ones in the states to wish them a Merry Christmas? Fear not, the Virgin Islands Telephone Corporation has the solution for your problems: DON'T CALL!
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VIPD ESTABLISHES CRACKHEAD CROSSINGS
ST. CROIX, USVI - How many times has this happened to you: You're driving along in your car when suddenly a crack head walks out in front of you forcing you to slam on the brakes? Well, you're not alone. In fact, the problem has gotten so bad that the VIPD and the Dept. of Public Works have had to join together to come up with a solution - Crack Head Crossing Zones.
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